When I think about social anxiety, I often recall a college party with my snowboarding team.
This was during my second year of college – a definite low point for my self esteem. I can clearly remember sitting in a corner, sipping on a red cup full of bottom shelf liquor, and obsessing about what everyone else might be thinking about me.
The truth is they were all too busy getting drunk and having fun to notice how reserved I was being, let alone stop and actually judge me… But that’s social anxiety for you.
You know that feeling you get when you’re in an uncomfortable social situation, right?
Maybe you’re talking to that one coworker who rubs you the wrong way. Or maybe you at a party where you don’t really know anyone. Either way, you tense up and act like a robot.
It’s like the life drains out of you and you’re only functioning at 50%… almost like you’re no longer YOU. The scary thing is that if you fall into this trap too often, you risk suppressing your true nature and forgetting how to freely express yourself.
Why Do You Hide Your True Colors?
When it comes down to it, the reason you’re holding back from fully expressing yourself is because you’re afraid of being judged. You’re afraid of being judged for who you truly are.
It’s a form of shame, really. You’re not comfortable exposing your full identity because you’re ashamed of it, at least on some level. This is the reason why so many people are so deathly afraid of just being themselves and unapologetically expressing their thoughts, preferences, and emotions…
I secluded myself to the corner at that party because I was afraid that if I joined in on the fun, let loose, and exposed my true nature that I would be judged and shunned. So I sat there, paralyzed, and did nothing. Of course, this only fed my anxiety and made things worse.
I’m driving this point home because I want you to see how fucking stupid it is. Yes, I’m aware that you probably already understand it’s not ideal to tense up like this and stop being yourself. But I want you to consciously contemplate exactly why you’re doing this and just how unhealthy it is.
Not only are you entertaining this shame and making a habit of suppressing your true nature, but you’re also presenting an inferior image to the world around you. Rather than showing people how passionate, animated, and silly you can be, you present yourself as another ordinary self-conscious individual.
Break the Pattern (Before It’s Too Late)
The only good alternative you have in these situations is to catch yourself tensing up, ideally before you shut down, and make the decision to break the pattern. Instead of getting stuck in your head, worrying about what other people are thinking, and acting like a robot, you can stay open, stay loose, and stay 100% YOU.
An effective way to accomplish this is to focus on your breathing, something I’ve talked about many times before. Basically, as soon as you feel yourself getting tense or nervous, just focus on breathing deep ‘belly’ breaths. Focus on each inhalation and each exhalation. Relax your shoulders and open up your chest, too.
This effectively combats all of the physical symptoms of shutting down. It keeps you present, and keeps you out of your head.
And if you feel like you’re in an eternal state of self-repression, where you’re nearly ALWAYS stuck in your head, then try meditating every morning. This has the potential to ‘reset’ yourself to that blank canvas state of mind before leaving home and starting the day.
It’s really that simple… but simple doesn’t necessarily mean easy. This is something you get better at by practicing it repeatedly in your daily life. Every time you notice yourself shutting down, catch yourself, focus on your breathing, and bring yourself back to life.
Then Just Be Yourself… Unapologetically
Now that you’re loose and you’re in a good headspace, just act naturally. Express yourself without a filter.
Let people know what’s on your mind… Get out of your head and focus on the people around you… Do silly things that you find amusing, you know, the type of dumb shit you normally only do when you’re home alone or hanging with your best friend.
If being yourself and doing these types of things makes you uncomfortable, and starts to shut you down, then take a step back and focus on your breathing again. That’s your life support.
Normally, however, expressing yourself like this actually puts you in an amazing mood. It makes you feel at home. All of those previously intimidating faces are now smiling and laughing with you.
Think of that focused, happy mindset you get into when you’re doing something you love, whether it’s working out, hanging out with close friends, listening to music, or playing video games even. Now try and find more hobbies that naturally put you into this positive mindset. Make it feel like home… like it’s your default state of being.
No, life’s not going to be all fun and fellatio. You’re going to get angry, sad, and frustrated from time to time. But the more often you can bring yourself into this carefree state of effortless self-expression, the happier you’ll be and the better you’ll perform.
Thank you David. Wonderful advice!
Thanks Keiran
Social anxiety and depression often go hand in hand…that feeling of constant DREAD for no apparent reason is debilitating. For some medication is needed as a first stop until one can mull over the reasons and come out the other side like a new “normal” person in thinking and self esteem. Thank you for this article.
Thank you for the insightful comment Joycey
Great stuff David! Keep it up buddy, all your content is awesome and helps me and im sure thousands of other people in everyday life 😀
Thanks Samuel – I appreciate the support!
I still struggle with this basically every day. Things haven’t gone as planned but it’s all down to my own inaction. Being the person I want to become seems far away right now, but what other option do I have? To try is to be alive, and to set into the old same patterns is just not an option anymore.
“Time waits for no man.”
Sounds like you’re very self-aware Johnny, keep taking action and don’t get discouraged! The progress you seek will come
Great article, thanks for sharing candidly about your experience, even though it’s not something you’d normally want everyone to know about you. I identify 100% with the problem. Most people wouldn’t think I have this problem; it’s crazy how your formative experiences growing up can affect the way your mind perceives reality. Public speaking is still something I can’t do calmly or without some beta-blocker support. I know change is possible, but it’s something you have to invest a lot of energy into and stay aware of. Anyway, I feel you on this one bro! Cheers
Thanks Matt! It’s definitely true what you’re saying about formative experiences messing with how you perceive certain situations. I still catch myself drifting into social anxiety mindsets in some situations. I really think being able to catch yourself is the key here.
Such experienced advice but what happens if you’re scared to even attend parties and social stuff like that?
I think you have to progressively work your way up, just like any other skill. Get comfortable doing activities that include strangers, but don’t seem so stressful (rec league sports, volunteer work, etc).
A trick I use to get myself out of the house when I’m feeling like just hanging in, but I feel like I should attend a party/event is to give myself permission after just minutes. Just plan to go in and say hi to a few people, then bounce. Sometimes I bounce, other times I have a good time and stay for hours. Either way it relieves the pressure.
Gee… interesting, maybe embarassing… turns out this was actually the piece of advice that I needed right now as I find myself asking myself in a club: why am I here, I feel unconnected to the people. But if I get into that meditative state, the answer is clear: it´s the joy of communicating, being in contact with the others.
I consider myself not a total beginner in this realm yet turns out I needed that nudge from outside – so thanks for that !
Only consolation is that I think I heard some Zen tale about the little master and the big master… in any case point is that they found that they have to remind themselves constantly not to forget the meditative state, by asking: is the little master awake… little master meaning oneself watching oneself… or something of that kind…
… so that would mean that I´m not alone with being a bit experienced yet finding myself at times kinda lost and having forgotten to evoke that meditative state !, so that in this case it´s you who takes the role of the little master, reminding me of this state 😀 ! So thanks for that !
Thanks Peter! I definitely need as many reminders to be mindful as I can get.
Comment help me
Thanks a lot for the tips David, really very helpful. However I still feel extremely overcome by social anxiety when I’m in gathering of people I feel are more intellectually sound than I am. I immediately begin to stutter in such environments. More useful advice would be appreciated a whole lot.
Thanks Vickie. Why do you think it is that intellectually-sound people make you feel so anxious?
I think may be because I feel the need to want to measure up to them intellectually, in the process I place too much pressure on myself and eventually make a mess of myself and the entire conversation.
I was thinking, what if I just don’t know what to say when I’m first meeting someone? What if I don’t know how to have a proper conversation? Does that have to do with shame?
Hey man I’m sure you are fully capable of conversation bro, usually your fears just get in the way and make you freeze up.
That was beautifully raw. Thank you❤
Things I love and care for are love and intimate sex with a hot girl maybe 50 years younger than me(still 18+). Drugs too – E and other entactogens, and perhaps psychedelics. How in hell am I going to express that to any group of middle aged(or any age) people and not get attacked psychically if not physically? I won’t be accepted by anyone of any age.
When your deepest values are the exact antithesis of what society presumes to stand for, how can you express them safely, or at all?
I’ve yet to figure out those answers. For now, I work hard and avoid people when I can.