When we feel masculine and embrace the full power of our manliness, life is better.
We don’t get stuck in our heads anxiously thinking and endlessly worrying about our career, health, and relationships, to the point that we begin to undermine our best interests in these areas by acting unsure of ourselves and being “angry” at everyone else.
Instead we’re guided by our innate desire to grow, expand, connect with others, and experience new things, without depending on the approval of anybody but ourselves. We recognize we don’t need anything to be happy.
This morning I realized just how much I’ve compromised myself and my values recently. I realized why I’ve been feeling less like a strong, independent man and more like a needy child.
I was reading No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover and something clicked. This book is aimed at helping you recognize and correct certain “nice guy” behaviors and beliefs. It’s a great book that all men should read.
But I’m writing this post to explain the realization I had and to share my personal plan to “reclaiming my manhood and rapidly cultivating masculine energy.” This is not to say I feel like a huge pussy, no. But I do feel as though I’ve lost a little bit of the masculine edge that I’ve grown to embrace and that’s powered my personal development over the last few years. And I believe these insights will prove relatable and useful to other men alike.
1. Analyze and understand how you may be depending on women for validation
Note: In the video above I share my top strategies to overcome your need for validation.
I’ll start with a key piece of this equation… and also the hardest realization for a lot of guys to swallow.
Do you depend on women for validation? Before you say no, realize that we all do to some extent. We all rely on other people for validation. But we tend to do it more with women, primarily because they’re the gatekeepers of sex and we’re all inherently motivated to get laid. This dependency can surface as acting needy in your relationship, feeling depressed and lonely because you’re single, or mercilessly texting a girl you have a crush on just so she’ll text you back, to name a few.
For me, I’ve honestly never had much of this problem in my life. But recently something changed. I noticed time and time again that I felt slightly needy with my current girlfriend. I constantly wanted to be with her and was even upset sometimes when we wouldn’t hang out for a week or so straight.
Today I believe I finally understand where this neediness came from. This is only my second long-term relationship, and I was definitely far from needy in my first one. However, I think that when that first relationship ended, it created a void in my life that I’d never before experienced – and I failed to recognize it. For the first time in my life I was single – after having been in an exclusive relationship.
The time that came after this was marked by a series of unfulfilling hookups and flings before I met my new girlfriend. I’m now confident that these were unfulfilling, and that I’ve felt needy in my new relationship, because I’ve unconsciously been craving the validation that I lost with the first relationship. Will this realization magically cure this dependency? No, I don’t think so. But maybe. I feel a lot better about it now. And it motivated me to generate the following list of things.
2. Pursue and renew masculine relationships and activities with other men
Part of the reason we can grow dependent on women for validation and approval can be because we aren’t getting these things from our male friends. When we spend time with our buddies on a regular basis, we’re able to build meaningful relationships with them, and this helps alleviate any female related dependencies that may exist.
I’ll add one caveat: participating in masculine activities with your bros is superior to just sitting around and shooting the shit. I’m not saying the latter is worthless, but competing in a game of pickup basketball, traveling to and exploring a new city, or going out and being wingmen for each other are activities that breed a sense of masculine camaraderie, and these are things that only other men can provide.
3. Practice manly habits and hobbies
The only way to cultivate your masculine energy is to embrace it. And there’s no better way to do this than through the practice of traditional manly activities like lifting weights, playing competitive sports, learning a martial art, or going on a hiking adventure in a remote location. These things will get you in touch with your natural strength, independence, and manliness like nothing else.
4. Take care of your body
This is something that’s required to excel in any area. Without taking care of our base needs, we simply cannot reliably improve ourselves, our masculine energy, or our relationships with other people. Eat good food, get enough sleep, and exercise almost every day. This will give you energy, boost your mood, and allow you to tackle the aforementioned tasks with a clear, level head.
Furthermore, maintaining a strong body is an essential part of being a man. Cultivating physical strength through lifting weights will manifest itself in mental toughness and strength of character. Do not neglect this essential masculine duty.
Conclusion: recognize that the only one responsible for meeting your own needs is you
At the end of the day all of the activities, values, and beliefs that surround the idea of being a masculine man come down to one simple truth:
The masculine man is completely independant. He takes responsibility for meeting his own needs. He realizes that no one owes him anything, and he counts on no one but himself.
Sure, he shares meaningful relationships with other men and women, but he recognizes that these experiences can only add to his life. They’re only able to subtract from his life if he lets them do so. But he doesn’t.
Take some time to incorporate the four above tasks into your life and I guarantee you’ll feel more masculine – and happy – with each passing day.
This was a timely post.
Through this whole ‘unplugging’, or ‘reclaiming of my masculine energy’ as I’m now going to call it, things have been challenging but very interesting.
“Analyze and understand how you may be depending on women for validation”
After reading that a light went off in my head.
I couldn’t figure out why, during the process of my self improvement, I was “feeling depressed and lonely because (I’m now)…single”
And now I believe it is because I was trying to fill a void in my life because I may “be depending on women for validation”.
Now THAT is a hard pill to swallow. But I think the fact that I can come to terms with that is a good thing.
I think that if I “Pursue and renew masculine relationships and activities with other men” that it will “help alleviate any female related dependencies that may exist.”
I actually have been wanting to (and trying to) reconnect with buddies of mine. This time of year can be difficult but at least we are still close enough we can reconnect after months.
As much as I preach and promote about self improvement there is still so much I need to learn and do.
Thanks Dave. -dcl
Thank you DCL.
Recognizing your need for female validation is a really fucking hard pill to swallow. No doubt.
But the benefits of being honest with yourself and acknowledging it are quite potent.
great article. glad to have found this site
Thank you Kenny
“No one owes him anything”
I have a substantial loan agreement with a woman (yes, very dumb, I know). Does this mean I need to forgive the debt?
I agreed when I thought I was an equalist, but now I know I am not. I could never hit a woman any more than a child or a small pet. If I can’t use force against a woman myself, how can I have the state do it on my behalf, even if over an agreement?
No you misunderstood. If you have an agreement with someone (i.e. an employer or client who pays you) then they should honor.
But you shouldn’t make “covert contracts” with people and do them a favor and then expect them to cater to your needs. You must be self-reliant.
Small claims court is always an option, especially if she has made attempts to pay you back, as that implies she recognized the agreement/contract, even if there is nothing on paper.
This hit me like a ton of bricks. I am going through a period right now where my fiancee and I are constantly at odds. I often feel like a child around her. Because she’s so strong willed and I want her to be happy. But when she’s unhappy I feel personally responsible. When she’s not satisfied I feel it’s something that I did. That inability and confusion as to give her what she wants leads me to erupt. Like God Damn, I’m doing the best I can and nothing seems to be good enough. Then it becomes I’m mistreating her. It’s getting to the point where we can’t have a civil conversation because she’s losing respect for me and I can feel it.
I can relate to needing validation from her because she is my inspiration, motivation and I look up to her. She has helped me tremendously in the year that we’ve been together. But I feel myself slipping into a gender role reversal with her. Like there’s an unspoken mistrust that I can be a man she can depend on. And it’s frustrating to say the least. I catch Hell at work then have to come home and catch Hell here. I’m at a breaking point. But I can’t talk to her about it. I have a male friend I speak to about it every now and again but other than that I’m either at home or work. I don’t hang out with other men or do any constructive testosterone filled activities. I make a bee line home from work to be with my baby. And from there we’re in for the night until we repeat the process all over again the next day.
But reading this really opened my eyes and shed light on the problem. I don’t feel masculine. I don’t feel she respects me. I can’t be a man when I’m with her. She constantly makes references to me being overly emotional and sensitive. But it’s gotten to the point where I can’t help it and absolutely fucking hate it. So I’m going to read this article 1000 more times, grab my balls and get my manhood back. With or without her. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing Stephen, it sounds like you’re pretty self aware about what’s been going on at this point.
I would also urge you to be extremely honest and upfront with your fiance about all of these feelings and motivations. Don’t blame her for anything, just be honest about how you feel. I know you probably fear it might show her weakness, or cause things to get worse – but it is actually a very strong move in my opinion that demonstrates a high degree of confidence and self-respect. It also has a far bigger potential upside than downside.
Either way, keep pushing on. Build the habit of confidence and masculinity by being honest and going after what you want in our daily life.
Also check out the book “No More Mr Nice Guy” by Robert Glover – it could be a huge help to you.
You and me bud, my problem is my girlfriend is the strongest person Ive ever met. She is probably the hottest women in dfw (no s*it on this). She makes the Cardashians look like trolls. She has dozens of rich, good looking guys that chase her. I am a Marine, used to be confident as hell. Now she doesnt respect me, thinks Ive turned into a woman. She says Im too nice and up her ass. Makes me want to do steroids just to fix my mentality. Now due to my insecurities, and stupid behaviors she has broken up with me and I live on the couch in my own house lol. Now I get to watch her date others as a roommate and lay around and cry like a little bitch. WHAT THE F**K have I become. I was never like this with other girls, and def not a pushover to guys. I was an Alpha until I met her. 3 tours in Iraq and this is what broke me….fml lol
So this is from a chicks perspective, having LITERALLY just getting to the other side of this with my husband. He truly believed I was devaluing him when I was actually letting him know Ive been here and if he needed tools or recourses that I got his back. He heard “your problems don’t matter because I go through this this and this and I have got to go through it.” I also am the primary financial source so I have been practicing how to ask for his help, advise, guidance, letting him know I desire him. Which as you can imagine caused a lot of confusion for him and I. Once we cleared the air it’s been amazing. Yes he is turning into his masculinity but I am super glad that he didn’t throw me to the curb because I really do exist to love and follow him. I SAY ALL THAT to say, make sure you understand her intent before you toss her. Chances are she’s reaching back to help.
I started reading it right after I commented. Thank you.
Your The Man David.
Great article my friend, really inspiring and helps put things into perspective. Guys are way to goal oriented and the “sexual gatekeepers” as you put it, have that power over us, as a result many of us take a “non-goal” personally which we shouldn’t. Lets just start enjoying life and not worry about the outcome.
Out of the many products my husband has tried, the Dr Max Powers HGH Spray by far has had the best results. My husband is 35 years and we have noticed a casual decrease in energy the past few years. About 1 week in his first bottle he start feeling the extra energy as soon as he woke up. And in the gym there has been a definite boost in strength, also in the bedroom.
To all I’m veer from India . I love your videos because content is equal to the content what is said in our epic Ramayana eg: wake up early do meditation. Stop masturbation as it drains energy.
I request you to make video on
1)how to get back our best friends with whom we behaved very bad and now feeling guilty.
2) how to be positive mind humorous and make people like us more.
Any time in India pls do tell us we are glad to meet you bro
With million of love for all your positive work
Whats the answer for chris?
If I wanted to send this to a guy I started dating (about 7 weeks into it) and who I’m really into >>> how do I send without having it come across as insulting? Initially I did a search on “how to bring out the inner beast in your man” lol. I’m also bringing him into the world of BDSM as I thought that could open a few doors to his dominant side perhaps. We have excellent communication, he takes constructive criticism well (and listens). We legit talk about everything and anything. He has been making changes to be the best man for me, but also himself. I told him on the flip side to do the same with me as well, as I believe in personal growth as an individual and in relationships well. We are both open minded in all ways, can cook, have a creative mind, both write poetry, extremely sexual in nature, we are both good looking individuals…. I just wish he was MORE in touch with his masculine side. I see potential of him being my ideal, and he has told me I am his. I just want to be able to get the beast out of his cage per say. I’m extremely feminine, and I’ve always chosen masculine men when it comes down to it. The article above clarified stuff even for me as a woman, that was straight forward and to the point, so thank you. But >>>> how do I send this to him in a sensitive nature. What would you want to hear as a guy if a woman sent this article?
Depending on females for validation drains you in totality of your energy.
Past Questions and Answers
I’ve learnt a lot here, thanks David for this information
Self-Esteem is key to living a fulfilling life as a man. Bigs Up for sharing these tips.
his its true