Breakups fucking suck.
That’s the golden rule of breakups… it’s always true.
It doesn’t matter if you broke up with her or she broke up with you. It even doesn’t matter if it was working, but one of you had to move across the country.
There’s not a single scenario where a relationship ends between two people who loved each other, and it doesn’t completely suck.
There will be an inevitable period of sorrow, regret, longing, anxiety, and other emotional pain. And it’s very important that you DO NOT avoid these feelings. Repressing them now will only cause them to resurface later in your life and prolong the negative impact of the breakup.
Step Zero: Be With the Pain
Step zero is simply being with your pain whenever it arises, and not feeding the urge to dismiss it and distract yourself from it.
But along with this there are certain other steps a man should take after a painful breakup to ensure that he remains strong, focused, and in touch with his innate sense of masculine energy that will drive him forward confidently to success and happiness.
Before I dive into these crucial steps I’d like to note that I’ve gone through two tough breakups over the past couple years.
So this article serves a double purpose: (a) to remind me what’s worked well for me, my friends, and clients in the past and (b) to share this knowledge with hopes that it will help you, or any other men who find themselves in a similarly painful situation.
That being said, let’s jump right in…
1. Don’t drown in regret
After a breakup, particularly in the early stages, you’re going to start thinking… A lot.
You’re going to wish you didn’t do some things. You’re going to wish that you could get her back. You’re also probably going to get pissed at her for certain things that she did or didn’t do.
Again, I don’t want you to repress these feelings and distract yourself when they come up. That doesn’t work in the long term. But I do want you to think about these things in a different light.
For each one of these thoughts that enters your mind, think about how you can use it in the future. If you wish that you didn’t try and force a solution to every issue or argument that came up during the relationship when you guys probably just needed space (a common man mistake that i’m guilty of), don’t beat yourself up because of it, but rather resolve to treat these situations differently in your next relationship.
If you’re mad at her for always behaving a certain way that irritated you (and maybe you never said anything about), then resolve to be more vocal about things that bother you – or to be mindful of this tendency so that you can better select your next partner.
Either way, allow yourself to feel every emotion that arises but don’t beat yourself up. Things worked out as they did for a reason. If you got to the point of breaking up, then the relationship was “broken”. Don’t beat yourself up… And definitely don’t contact her to express any of these revelations.
2. Nail down an empowering morning ritual
The best way to maintain a positive mindset going forward is by adopting a set of empowering habits that build you up every single day.
And the best time of day to practice these habits is in the morning, because it will dictate your state of mind for the rest of the day… And if you don’t do them early, they often don’t get done.
My favorite morning habits that fill me with a sense of confidence and determination include: meditation, journaling, reading, affirmations, and cold showers. Click here to read an in-depth post I recently wrote about my exact morning routine.
3. Refocus on your purpose
One of the most dangerous aspects of breakups is that we often forget our value as a man in the aftermath.
During the relationship itself, we tend to merge our identify with that of our girlfriend or wife… And when the shit hits the fan, we enter an identity crisis.
The most powerful way to get back on track, and remember your intrinsic value as a man, is to refocus on your goals. Here’s a quick overview of my method for this:
- Brainstorm a list of 10 potential goals you can focus on over the next few months (career, personal, dating, travel, skills, etc.)
- Choose 1-3 to focus on
- Write them down – as well as your motivation for wanting to achieve them
- Start taking action on them every single day
When you’re working towards goals that are meaningful to you, something interesting happens: you begin to draw validation and happiness from within.
External things like whether or not your ex wants to get back with you start to matter less and less. And the process of taking action and making progress on your goals start to matter more and more. You become filled with an intense sense of purpose, and this is always more than enough to drive you forward.
4. Spend time with your man-friends
Another big danger of the breakup aftermath is subjecting yourself to isolation. This leads to overthinking and depression.
You should replace the time you regularly spent with your girl, with spending time with your male buddies. Not only with this occupy your mind, but more importantly it will give you a network of moral support.
Talking things out with your friends is therapeutic and, assuming you have strong friends, will allow them to call you out on your bullshit and keep you moving forward. In fact, spending time with your man friends is always important.
Don’t try and shoulder the weight of this whole thing on your own.. it won’t end well.
5. Slowly re-enter the dating market
After a breakup, there’s always the urge to go crazy and try and have loads of meaningless sex.
“The quickest way to get over one girl is to get under another one, right?”
Not so fast. I’ve been there and done that. I know a lot of guys who’ve done the same.
Sleeping with a bunch of girls too soon never makes you feel better about your breakup… If anything it just makes it hurt even more. You compare all of them to your ex, who of course is so much “better” than all of the women you’re seeing now. And you don’t enjoy any of it anyways.
Oh, and one more thing…
I realized after writing this article I didn’t mention lifting weights… but I kind of assume that anyone who reads my articles takes that for granted. So make sure your exercising and strength training, too – it’s absolutely vital for every man.
Which of these 5 steps do you think is most important? Let me know in the comments below.
Hi David,
Thanks for the article!! About 1 year ago my girlfriend finished the 6+ relationship that We had, and to this day I think about her a lot and wonder a lot of ” what if”. I have realized that I have to focus on my goals more and dedicate to myself. Due to thinking about her a lot, I dont have too many options with other women, and always end up comparing all women with my ex. I really loved her and I think I still do! Now I feel like a loser and I am unemployed, but I am improving myself and as soon as I find a good job, I ll set monetary goals( I dont have a car and my goal is to have one) and I think that I start heading the right direction I ll feel better and better and my confidence is going go up!! Thanks man for the help and Keep up!!
PST. Out of curiosity , do you speak spanish?
Hi Dacero,
Thank you bro!
Definitely nail down some personal goals and, more importantly – start taking action on them.
Y si, hablo espanol
David you are fucking amazing man
Thanks man!
…about point #5, just where would you say is the “dating market” ? I know it’s kind of a trick question because it’s not exactly 1 place or 1 thing to specifically do…Anyways, I’ve never had a first date, and the whole bar/night club scene is not my thing at all (and I also tried online dating but had no success with that and felt it was a waste of time), but I’m not really sure what else to do or where to go. And yes I tried the “daygame” but honestly, I’ve rarely seen a girl close to my age and that im actually attracted to during the day.
The dating market is everywhere. There is no ‘one place’ that works.
Yes I obviously know that…but I was asking the question for David to respond with advice on where he thinks is the best thing to do or places to go to actually be able to find a date in the first place.
I got to agree with Daniel – the dating market simply means spending time with/pursuing women in a romantic/sexual fashion.
Also, to be level with you J – it sounds like you’re making excuses about why every potential avenue doesn’t work for you.
The only thing you didn’t mention was meeting women through work/social circle.
Online dating is the easiest way to line up dates for sure, and so I’d say to work on your approach there and get comfortable going on first dates… And continue to approach during the day and at night when you have the opportunity.
Number 5 is important.
I tried to go out and game and meet women it just made me feel more like shit.
I feel INNER game – working on oneself is the best remedy to getting over a chick. Because if you have to base your healing outside of yourself…..
Then you’re fucked!
To add more.
I feel after a breakup to go after new women right after the breakup is detrimental to one’s health. Sometimes stuff with girls can trigger up old thoughts and rather approaching a chick with a sense of wholeness, one approaches a chick with a sense of need, and then the fragrances of desperation starts to fizzle in the air. Then the chick gets creeped out and walks away, and now the guy is back at step 1, trying to bed/date a new chick.
That’s why I believe in building oneself up, delving into the self first so that when he approaches women, he will approach with a sense of wholeness.
Plus I see building and investing oneself like the economic idea of “Compound Interest.” Yeah you might be poor now, but in time, you are building your mind and body to have an abundance mentality of sorts. Read books, hit the gym hard, meditate, positive affirmations, journal, etc. and through time all this stuff builds a better you.
Now you are wealthier in physical strength, mental strength, spiritual and a emotional strength.
You hit the nail on the head my man. This is a great, deeper explanation of point 5.
Definitely #4- Gotta go out with the boys to try and “forget about her” at least temporarily
Thanks Sonny, definitely true – plus the costs of staying in and just being miserable will only compound the pain of a breakup.
Hey David.
Nice post, I definitely agree with the general outline of your rebuilding steps. It takes a pair of balls to publicly talk about personal issues online, kudos to you.
Funny enough, I’m starting a blog and just wrote a post on how to get over a woman. If you can spare a few minutes to read it: http://thesinglerebel.com/how-to-get-over-a-woman/
I’d be very interested in your feedback (there are a couple things we disagree on).
Welcome to the single life 😉
Hey Borja, thanks for chiming in.
I like your idea of auditing the benefits and costs of the relationship and then working to substitute new ways to reap the same benefits.
Hi David and Hello everyone
Thanks for this article. I really appreciate the first and fourth tips. Always thinking of the past and mistakes we made won’t help us move on. In order to feel better the most important thing is to create a new life, becoming a new person and learning from your mistakes. For the fourth tip I’d add that family can be very important as well even if we don’t discuss our love problems with them; just spending time and having fun can be of great value even in tough situations like these.
Adrian
Hey Adrian,
Thanks for chiming in – great points.
I think opening up and being vulnerable with friends and family is HUGE. Both for coping with your loss, but also for strengthening those relationships. They will open up to you in return. This is harder said than done, especially with family (because of all the baggage), but it’s definitely worth it.
What about a man that was cheated on? What’s advice for them? Especially knowing that your SO had sexual relations with someone else, it can greatly hurt a man’s pride, trust, his sexual ability. Also the embarrassment you feel knowing you showed this person to the world and said you loved them. Would you write a separate article for that soon or can all of this apply the same way? What about your book calm, cool, collected. Will it apply?
I believe that all of this still applies. Sure, being cheated on can be more damaging to your ego that a breakup that didn’t involve cheating, but the result is still the same: the relationship didn’t work and now it’s over. You need to rebuild trust in yourself, and reinforce the belief that you are more than enough on your own (a true belief).
And yes, I think the steps I cover in Calm, Cool, Collected are extremely valuable for a man in this situation.
Keep your head up man. And keep on beasting!
Keep on beasting. Absolutely. It’s all about the discipline, like any other long-term goal. Wake up early, go to a gym, eat like a man… even if you don’t feel like it and every Hollywood romance tells you to stay in bed, feel sorry for yourself and eat chips and pizza while watching Far and Away.
Hi David and good day absolutely everyone
Romantic breakups are among the most common, yet somehow underrated, traumatic events in our lives.
Thanks for this great article. I really impressed to read this article and I truly admire the first, second and fourth guidelines. continually taking into account the beyond and mistakes we made won’t assist us to flow on. This blog post is very useful for everyone else reading just because the information and knowledge which have to contain everyone are very important. I like this post. and I awaiting your next article.
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that so nice i like your fitness tip
Nice post, here’s a good post for anybody wanting to get back with an ex https://pathtoreallove.com/2020/01/12/how-to-get-back-with-your-ex-the-best-way/
Excellent article on how to refocus on yourself and finding your purpose. We all need to become whole within ourselves before we can ever find love outside ourselves.
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I think You should Try dating sites. Lol just kidding
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