What’s something you do that drives you crazy?
What behavior, thought pattern, or other activity do you engage in that makes you feel guilty, shameful, or weak?
We all have bad habits that we do. And the worst part is that we usually KNOW that they’re bad for us – they detract from our health, be it mental or physical, or they’re simply not in line with our values…
Yet we can’t stop ourselves from doing them.
Some common bad habits guys have include:
- Mindlessly browsing the internet
- Eating fast food or similar “junk foods”
- Watching internet porn
- Compulsively thinking about an ex-girlfriend or crush
- Being too much of a “nice guy” and trying to please everyone
- Engaging into pointless arguments and fights
These are all behaviors that are common for men to engage in despite believing that they SHOULDN’T. And this knowledge – that you’re doing something you’d feel better about yourself if you didn’t do – is often what makes these habits so “bad”.
When we do something that we don’t want to, we can start to beat ourselves up, feel guilty or shameful, and subsequently have poor self-esteem or even fall into depression.
Below I want to offer a universal two-step “cure” for working towards eliminating any such habits that you have in your life.
Step 1: Stop yourself before you start
You have true power over your bad habit when you can stop it before it starts.
Depending on what type of habit you’re dealing with, this can be relatively manageable or really fucking hard.
For example, concrete habits like eating fast food or watching porn are on the easier side of the spectrum because they require a deliberate action in order to begin – a double bacon cheeseburger doesn’t mistakenly find its way into your mouth.
On the other hand, habits like compulsively thinking about a girl or mindlessly browsing the internet are quite hard to stop before they start, because they usually don’t have a well-defined starting point – by the time you realize you’re doing it, it’s already too late.
My favorite three techniques for avoiding engaging in a bad habit include:
- Replacing the bad habit with a good one (e.g. eating a yogurt instead of McDonald’s, reading a book instead of browsing the internet, or focusing on your breath instead of thinking about something that drives you crazy)
- Changing your environment (e.g. leaving your computer room when you get the urge to watch porn, or calling someone and engaging them in conversation when you’re alone and you start to get into a negative thought loop)
- “Changing your identity” – this is tough but essentially you need to start thinking of yourself as someone new (e.g. you’re a “healthy” eater who doesn’t eat nasty fast food, you’re a man who has real sex instead of watching other people do it on a screen, or you’re a free single man instead of a depressed loner)
Step 2: Be OKAY with it when you do it
Any and every bad habit that you struggle to eliminate from your life will continue to happen to some degree.
This is INEVITABLE.
You simply cannot beat yourself up when you slip up. Dwelling on the fact that “you did it again” will ONLY – and I mean ONLY – make you feel bad and make you more likely to slip up.
You’ll start to view yourself as a weak man, a failure, and a degenerate who simply cannot control himself. You’ll start to feel shitty and depressed. And you will undermine your success, confidence, and happiness in the process.
When you do slip up and do the bad habit, you must accept that it happened… AND THEN MOVE ON.
Thinking about it will only make it worse at this point. You won’t “think yourself” out of the situation. That shit doesn’t work. Ever.
By simply acknowledging that you did something that you prefer not to do and having the strength to move on, you’ll subconsciously be more aware the next time you’re in a similar situation and be more likely to put Step 1 into practice and avoid doing the thing. Our subconscious minds are powerful – let them do their job.
Here are three techniques I use to avoid beating myself up when I relapse on “bad” habits:
- The “I love myself” affirmation – basically just repeating “I love myself” in order to remind myself that while I did slip up, my self-respect is still intact and it’s nothing that can break me
- Meditation – A solid meditation clears my mind and allows me to stop compulsively thinking and worrying about the bad habit or the fuck-up
- Giving myself permission to fuck up again – while this might seem counter-intuitive, we often put tremendous pressure on ourselves to NEVER EVER mess up again, when the truth is that history is likely to repeat itself…
If the frequency you engage in your bad habit is declining, then you’re on the right track… Always keep in mind that being self-aware and not beating yourself up are the two keys to kicking any bad habit in a healthy, sustainable manner.
This counter-intuitive “don´t beat yourself up” is IMO a very interesting point. First, I would like to give my opinion why this works: IMO, it boils down again to meditation, i.e. a certain state of mind, and I posit that the meditative state of mind (probably what scientifically would be called “alpha-waves” or so) is a state of mind, if not the only state of mind, in which positive, constructive development occurs.
My second point would be that, if this is true, i.e. the significance of the meditative state of mind, that should be applied to many other areas of learning and behavior modification; e.g. parenting, schools, etc., just any learning situation. Also where creativity is required; e.g. I feel that I can only have useful discussions in a situation that is very different from what conferences usually are, I think I really prefer a setting like in a tipi, twilighted, maybe some herbs burning, and then let the thoughts flow. I mention that also because it might go a bit against a manosphere attitude where people think they should be big and strong and commanding etc. Now nothing wrong with that but for certain areas that is probably NOT the best attitude, and that´s why I think it´s worth having a look at the different attitudes, and their areas of employment
(David, I would be curious how you came to meditation… probably you wrote that somewhere already or maybe you can write on that in an article; I guess it was as to cope with stress. While I feel that meditation is so valuable, I think it´s not enough taught, it should be taught in school as a real preparation for life).
Peter, I came to meditation because my brother was super big into it and I started out meditating with him, which slowly opened my eyes to the benefits.
I think it would be awesome if it was taught in schools…
There are a LOT of things that should be taught in schools as real preparation for life, however, so let’s add it to that list…
Can you elaborate on the second point? Maybe I approach it the wrong way, but from my own perspective – when I finally stopped smoking after many failures, I told myself to be a man and quit that thing forever, nothing is “okay” or “inevitable” about it. Since then I was partying a few times piss drunk with my buddies and still held to my commitment without any slip. If I smoked a cigarette now, I wouldn’t be able to “be okay” with slipping, I would feel like the biggest miserable loser, but then again this is all fiction, cuz I’d rather die than smoke another. My 2cents.
Dom,
I think quitting something “cold turkey” is definitely best.
The issue is that most people relapse – and they tend to beat themselves up when they do… And this only leads to more shameful thinking and behavior.
I’m glad you had the discipline and self-control to stop smoking outright. That’s definitely preferable. But all too often people find themselves in a situation where their willpower is depleted and they relapse.
Again, not ideal, but it’s important to handle relapses well if and when they happen. And I think for most people this means being OKAY with it.
Thanks, David. Like your clean and simple approach. Absolutely key to my mind to get rid of the “if I get xyz, I will be happy” hamster wheel.
my ex is looking for me to having sex, but im still loving her in a relationship matter. I know I should just enjoying it but I simply cannot brake that link easily
I think this is a bad habit because every time I just felt like we are in a way to solve things out but all crash down few days later and that depress me, I can’t stop thinking about it and that drops my performance
Charles to be honest, if you want more than sex but she’s not willing then you should distance yourself from the situation. That dynamic is bound to fuck with your emotions, and the sex can’t be worth that.
Humans can struggle with various habits or behaviors that they find challenging to overcome. Share your intentions and struggles with trusted friends, family members, or a support group. Having someone to hold you accountable and provide encouragement can make a significant difference.