There’s a clear danger in becoming too attached to “things”.
When you’re too invested in a relationship, for example, you begin to rely on it for happiness.
When you’re too attached to your car or your apartment, your self-esteem can take a hit as you use these things to compare yourself to others… Your Honda doesn’t match up to your buddy’s Audi, for example.
And the real danger of becoming too attached to “things”, of course, is that everything is temporary. All relationships come to an end, all material “things” can break or be taken from us, and all people die.
This is why the eastern philosophies of “non-attachment” are so appealing. Buddhist monks rely on nothing but their own meditations for being content and feeling at-ease. They own minimal possessions, avoid intimate relationships, and don’t have to worry about losing anything as a result. They focus solely on the internal.
Western cultures have developed on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. In the US and Europe, for example, people are groomed to seek happiness and fulfillment through relationships and material-based success. Think about it, almost all of us dream to make a lot of money, drive a dope car, and have a smoking hot wife. We focus all of our energy on the external.
The problem with focusing only on the internal
The issues with deriving your happiness and validation from external sources, as we do in the west, are obvious. By relying on things that are outside of our personal locus of control, we sacrifice the ability to control our feelings and emotions.
The eastern philosophies like Buddhism avoid 99 percent of the problems that can cause us stress, pain, and anxiety by removing all external distractions, as discussed above.
While this may seem like a no-brainer way to live a better life, you must recognize that you miss out on the opportunity to have a ton of amazing experiences that will bring you unparalleled levels of happiness if you’re to adopt the life of a Buddhist monk.
You avoid the pain and depression of losing things and relationships, but you also sacrifice all of the positive emotions that these external sources can bring into your life.
Relationships are amazing and should always be pursued
There’s no replacement for interacting with other people.
No video game, movie, workout, or even meditation can come close to matching the intensity and excitement of experiences that you can be co-create with other human beings.
This goes for both friendships and intimate relationships. In fact, a crucial part of every man’s life is finding camaraderie with other men… and intimacy with women.
There’s simply no replacement for being a part of a masculine tribe where you can compete and grow together, whether that’s being on a sports team of some kind, or just going on a grueling hiking adventure together.
And similarly there’s no replacement for spending time alone with a woman you’re sincerely attracted to, and experiencing all of the excitement and intimacy that comes along with that.
No amount of meditation or introspection can ever match the massive amounts of happiness and fulfillment that human contact experiences like these will bring you.
Material objects and cool shit should never be the goal
The dark side of seeking validation and happiness from external sources is when you seek it through material means.
Simply put: material objects cannot offer you a lasting sense of fulfillment or happiness. No car, gadget, computer, or piece of clothing can have a meaningful impact on your life. This is one area that the aforementioned eastern philosophies are 100 percent correct in avoiding.
Whereas relationships offer an incredible upside (i.e. the amazing experiences and emotions mentioned above) compared to their downside (i.e. the pain of losing a friend or family member, or breaking up with a girlfriend), material possessions do not.
The upside of material possessions vary wildly from the buyer’s high of purchasing a new jacket to the convenience factor of owning an iPhone. And while some of these things can add measurable value to your life, they should never be the focus. The value they can add tends to be in the form of increased productivity or convenience – and don’t get me wrong these are good things – but they are not things that will bring you lasting happiness and tranquility.
So while there’s no reason you should completely avoid material possessions, they should never be your focus or your goal. When you get obsessed with your wardrobe, your smartphone, or your car then you magnify the potential downside of not having these things from a minor inconvenience to a big fucking deal – and there’s absolutely no reason to do this.
As a side note: actively being grateful and reminding yourself about the relationships and things that you currently have is a good way to avoid being caught up in the trap of wanting more and more – and the unhappiness and discontent that comes along with this.
Meditation should be used liberally as a personal retreat
To re-iterate: the problem with the western world is that we pursue happiness and validation through almost purely external means.
The eastern philosophies sidestep the many problems of becoming attached to these external sources by avoiding them completely and focusing 100 percent on the internal. They do this primarily through meditation.
One way to think of meditation is as a means of “unplugging from the matrix” and entering into your own personal existence. You close your eyes and submerge yourself into the endless abyss of your own consciousness.
Doing so is challenging at first, but when you’re able to remain alone in silence and turn down your own mental chatter, a deep sense of relief, contentment, and tranquility will overcome you. And his is the magic of focusing on the internal…
You realize that you need absolutely nothing at all in order to be happy and at peace.
This is the magic the Buddhist monks have embraced as a lifestyle. And, as I covered above, it’s silly to avoid building relationships and other external sources completely. But it’s equally silly to pursue these things haphazardly, and abandon your innate inner peace in the process.
And this is why you must meditate regularly, while still enjoying the pleasures of human experiences, and yes even material objects. This is the balance that is so fucking hard to strike that the eastern philosophies have decided to give up the enormous upside of these external sources.
So continue enjoying the company of other human beings and your toys, too. But remind yourself every day, through meditation, that you don’t need any of them to be happy and fulfilled.
Hands down one of the best articles I’ve ever read my friend.
Thank you – that’s quite humbling to hear.
Thanks for another great article David. It echoes a lot of reading I’ve been going through and this was a great article to start my day!
Thank you Andrew – I’m glad you liked it.
Powerful stuff David ! Keep em coming dude :). Beast on !!!
Thank you Jon!
Great article David. I agree with every point you make here on material things, daily meditation, and the value of finding your own middle way. You didn’t say those words, but I think that’s what you’re getting at. I like what Buddha taught, but very few can successfully live the way he did. Above everything we could all use some more quiet time.
Yo Adam!
Finding a “middle way” in between the internal and external worlds is exactly what I’m getting at. That’s a great way to put it.
Happy to hear that resonated with you. Side note: Have you checked out the Headspace app yet? I’m not an affiliate in any way… just an awesome product you may dig.
I haven’t – but you’ve given me the push to give it a try… I’ll report back
Good article, too chime in with Adam I am a little over 4 months into using Headspace (still finding the mind wandering all the time), completely unaffiliated with it and have no other apps apart from Spotify/WhatsApp on my phone. All I will say is it took me from total skeptic to someone who never misses a day, well worth it in my opinion.
Thanks ed – looks like I really do need to give headspace a try
I just read about this in the book “Happiness Hypothesis” by Jonathan Haidt (Psychology Professor at University of Virginia).
Check out chapters 5 and 6, its worth having a read if you want to learn more about this.
Great post! More people should be aware of this sort of thing.
Thank you – and that’s a great book, read it a few years back. I should probably go through again now.
Excellent article David! A similar article i have also read on Roosh V may prove interesting http://www.rooshv.com/the-battle
Hey Jake,
Thank you! I’ll check out Roosh’s article, too.
No offense David. But this makes me wonder what you know about Buddhism or Buddhist philosophy. In this life you can research Dhamma within yourself. You don’t have to follow anything else. You have got it wrong in many ways. Dhamma is not a person in robes and meditation. It never ever asks you to not to enjoy life. But to understand the living. And it is not all about attachments. Its all about finding how you get attached to things and whether you want to tame the thing that creates such or not. You are assuming that Buddha did not know or did not live a personal life. For numerous kalpas.
“The eastern philosophies sidestep the many problems of becoming attached to these external sources by avoiding them completely and focusing 100 percent on the internal. They do this primarily through meditation.”
I mean who told you these? Did you read it somewhere or? This is clearly not what Buddha taught dude. Seriously. You need to find a better source. You need to re evaluate the way of thinking. You are not clearly thinking out of the box dude. You are framed by the joy of life and keeping it inside. Have you ever read Sigalovada Sutta? I appreciate the thing you mentioned about the focus. Yes it is true. But the way you remedy is not. As an example:
“One way to think of meditation is as a means of “unplugging from the matrix” and entering into your own personal existence. You close your eyes and submerge yourself into the endless abyss of your own consciousness.”
This is not what meditation is. Meditation is all about concentration. Concentration and seeing how things affect our conscious. Or mind. When you see any material or human, eventually when you focus on the nature of these, you will eventually feel that there is nothing difficult to give up on. You don’t have to close your eyes to do that. That is one thing you have to do during the path. To analyze and align your consciousness and find the ups and downs, the existence and source and how to deal with it and finally understanding it is not really existing. That will make your attachments bend. And eventually give up on them. This path is not for a single life cycle. It is till the end that you finally make your mind and understand that you need to finally stay beyond the attachments.
Please I humbly request you to study, practice and research before telling Buddha got it wrong. It’s you that needs to be concentrated here. Fix yourself and next start delivering it once you found what is in it practically. No hard feelings buddy.
Note: The word “Giving up” had to be used here. That does not mean you need to give up sex as an example. It is totally alright to have sex. But understand what makes you do it. Is it really you who wants it? Who is the concept called you? Isn’t that the body makes you do it? And the configuration of the mindset which you feed it with eyes, ears, nose, mouth and skin?
Thank you!
Hey Thar – Thanks for the comment.
However, I believe you took the title too concretely… And several passages out of context.
Dear David,
You don’t understand Buddhism. Or I would say you only understand Buddhism in Western ways. Only few yet you think you understand it all.
No need for me to explain what you are wrong. You won’t listen to me. And I have nothing explain to you. Just tell you one thing which is really different in Western and Asian way of thinking: When we don’t thoroughly understand something, we shut our mouths.
That’s the big difference between us.
I appreciate your article, “The Buddha taught not to look for truth outside of ourselves” I believe the middle path definitely speaks to balancing the inner and outer joys of life. “Arjuna Poise your mind in Tranquility; take care neither to acquire nor to hoard, keep yourself established in the consciousness of the Atman always ” The Bhagavad Gita
I agree with you that a life of too inner narrowness is too constricted.
“If you wish to be loved, love ” Seneca
“It is much more Honorable to overcome that which is difficult, than to keep pleasure within limits” Aristotle
and finally……….. “Live not to avoid pain, but to pursue Life” Seneca
Thanks TG – I love the Seneca quotes, he has so many powerful ones